estaratshirai

Good Evening, my Beautiful Friends!

I look out the window, and it appears to be glorious, but I know it is hot and muggy, so I shall stay inside and enjoy the air conditioning, because that is the type of person I am!

Today has been a rather full day. My husband had this two-week follow-up, and he is so thankful that his bandage has been removed! He is allowed to take showers without assistance, but he is not supposed to touch the incision. He is very, very, very, very happy! After his appointment, I reviewed our EOBs with out insurance to see if they have started the coordination of benefits with Medicare Part A (they were just rejecting EVERYTHING...my husband is still working, so he has Medicare Part A due to his age, but BC/BS Federal Employee Program for everything else), AND THEY HAVE!! I still had an email to send to one billing department explaining the situation, but I shouldn't have any more phone calls to make. I really hate the phone calls.

After that, I had a great therapy session, which didn't play out the way I expected it to at all. Most of my commentary was off-track, and there was a lot of laughter from both me and the therapist. I think I needed that. I will see her again next week. My assignment is to spend a little more time on self-care...particularly getting enough rest. So I'm probably going to go to bed early tonight.

I'm feeling strong in my sobriety and my food decisions, and am taking the spending decisions one day at a time, one decision at a time. I'm sure I'm annoying my husband when I tell him what I'm considering buying, what I've bought, and why, but I find hearing it out loud helps. Particularly the considering buying. Sometimes when you say it out loud, you realize that you aren't really buying things you need, but that you are buying things that you think will "fix" you. That's an important distinction to be aware of.

I hope all of you found something beautiful today, and as always, thank you for being here.

Oh...

I also decided that instead of using two tags, sobriety and life, I'm going to use "sober life" instead. Because that's what I'm building -- a sober life.

elf

Got the most recent FAPA mailing, #351. It's fewer than 60 pages. While we're up to 21 members I think (I don't have it with me right now) - up from the 14-ish when I joined a few years ago - the page count has dropped recently, possibly in part because the Org Editor can no longer print people's entries for them. (He retired and no longer has access to the work printers.) So the overseas members are no longer sending in quarterly submissions.

( defining terms )

FAPA's contribution requirement is 8 pages a year, which can be 1 double-sided sheet of paper per quarter. This was not particularly onerous even in the days of hectographs. It is, however, apparently enough of a hassle that several current members only technically meet it - sending in that single sheet a quarter, and it's only a page and a half, and it's in 14-pt type and includes a picture covering a quarter of the page. If there were still a waiting list, they'd be bumped for failing to meet the contrib requirements. Since there hasn't been a waiting list this century, this is not an issue.

There are scans of some past mailings (or rather, parts of them) and scans of Fantasy Amateur, the official org zine (aka, the index & list of members), which stops right at the point where membership started dropping below the max of 65.

...Anyone want to join a venerated scifi institution that's been fading since the dawn of the WWW?

Requirements:
* Send 25 copies (currently) to the OE, minimum 8 pgs/year; can be sent quarterly, annually, or anything in between. ( More details inside )

myveryown_nemesis

Good evening, you Beautiful People.

It's been a pretty good day, and I'm beat, so I'm just here to say it's been a pretty good day.

Love you guys...I'll babble more tomorrow. As always, thank you for being here, and I hope you remembered to find the beauty that was waiting for you today.

myveryown_nemesis

Hello, my Beautiful Friends!

(See what I did there? I changed it up, and y'all are still BEAUTIFUL!)

So...I won't be babbling at you today like I thought I would because it is now my bedtime!

I'll put a reminder on my phone to check in tomorrow morning. I guess things are going okay, or at least I'm not doing poorly. I will have more to say tomorrow.

I'm feeling at ease with my sobriety, my eating habits, and my new financial status quo. But life is very lifey right now.

I hope you found some beauty in your day, and as always, thank you for being here.

myveryown_nemesis

Good Morning, you Beautiful People!

I'm no longer feeling absolutely gutted by my friend's cancer diagnosis. It still saddens me, but I now have a better understanding of her diagnosis. Once I connected back with her account on Facebook, it appears that her situation is very much like my oldest sister's situation. The phrase "terminal brain cancer" pretty much broke me, but when I learned that it started as lung cancer, my perceptions began to shift. My oldest sister is living with lung cancer and has had brain mets. My second-oldest sister is also living with lung cancer. While these cancers will ultimately be the cause of death, they are no longer the fast-acting killers they once were. There are new medicines that keep it at bay, and a more precise use of radiation therapy (proton therapy) to zap new nodules that pop up.

I still hate cancer, though. It really sucks. And I know that ultimately, this disease is taking years of life from my loved ones, so it makes me angry. I need to process that...I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, so I think I know what we will be discussing.

I spent most of the past three days sleeping, doing Sudoku puzzles, and creating a "perfect wardrobe" in the wish list portion of one of my favorite online shops for clothing. I will be picking some pieces for purchase since my summer wardrobe is missing a few pieces, and a couple of the items are on a deep cut in price because they are on clearance. I'll probably select a few of those clearance items for purchase later today. This is how mindful spending works, as opposed to reckless spending. It's a work in progress, but I'm ready to start the work.

I set up a coffee meet-up with some AA friends for later this week. John has a lot of medical appointments, so I think that getting that sober social connection will be good for me. On today's plate, I need to get caught up on household chores. The air mattress has been lying, deflated, on the floor of the den. Best put that away before I feel like it's a metaphor for my current lifestyle!

I feel secure in my sobriety and mindful eating. I'm working on the reckless spending, so it feels like work. But not like scary work. I'm not afraid of facing past mistakes and dealing with their consequences, but I wouldn't call it comfortable. Let's say it's like new leather shoes -- these new habits need time to get worn in.

I hope you find something beautiful in your day, and as always, thank you for being here.

myveryown_nemesis

Hello, you Beautiful People!

Today was exhausting. My husband had two medical appointments: his follow-up with his primary care, and getting an X-ray of his back for his follow-up with his surgeon. I also learned that a dear friend has a terminal case of cancer...it started in her lungs, and is now in her brain. She is being treated, but ultimately, it will be the cause of her death. I have a sister in a similar situation. I cried a lot today, between doing needful things.

Since this friend is primarily on Facebook...where I haven't been...I decided to start a new account there (I had deleted my previous account). I am only friending the folks who are part of the same "found family" that started in Delphi Forums, moved to LiveJournal, then landed at Facebook. I have been friends with a generous handful of people for 25 years...we would "talk" nearly every day. Since I left Facebook, there are only a few people that I still chat with regularly. I have a couple of friends who journal on DreamWidth, and another couple who are active on BlueSky. So back to Facebook it is, but in a very different way. In addition to my found family, I will also be friending my sisters and a few other family members. I'll probably also friend my college roommate, and my current buddies who keep me afloat in meatspace. There will be fewer than 20 people total.

I'm not going to let people I love fade out of my life. As much as I hate everything about Meta and its founder, if that's where my family, by blood and by choice, are then I will be there with them.

I'm feeling strong (but sad) in my sobriety, confident (and sad) in my current food choices, and prepared (and sad) in my upcoming financial decisions.

I have a lot of sad right now. But I'll be okay; sometimes life is happy, sometimes it's sad; sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's hard; most of life is lived in the in between. When one of the big waves hits, be it happy, sad, easy, or hard, it can be a jolt to the system.

I hope each of you found something beautiful in your day, and as always, thank you for being here.

elf

I have been reading the TTRPG space on bluesky.

1) Everything is commercial. Soooo much "buy my thing." You might think there'd be a mix of "buy my thing" and "hey come watch/listen to our playthroughs" but no. It's all "buy my thing."

2) It's really, really hard to avoid D&D and Pathfinder.

3) I had managed to forget how wank in TTRPG spaces goes down. It's never just "D&D has taken over the hobby and that sucks." It has to include "people who play D&D are stupid/cowards/wimps/conformist shills." Possibly with a side of, "if people were paying attention to what's good, they would buy my thing..."

(I do not like D&D. I do not play D&D. I have thought many negative things about D&D, and about D&D evangelists. I have never thought the only reason people play D&D was because they were too stupid to look at other game systems. I am damn well aware there is a ton of inertia involved, plus the hassle of convincing your entire gaming group to try something different.)

4) We don't have any shared vocabulary and this is a problem. Or rather: We have some words - crunchy, rules-lite, narrative game, OSR, "role-play vs roll-play," meta-gaming, RAW, probably a few more - but we have zero agreement on what they actually mean, on which games or play styles fall under which term.

5) Unlike the fanfic communities, there has been no serious meta looking into what's changed when a former on-paper hobby went digital. There are blog posts and such, but they're scattered as hell. And 2/3 of the discussion is weird hand-wringing about what people will or won't buy, not about how the hobby itself changes when the rules are on a screen rather than paper.

+1) If there are discussion groups about TTRPGs-as-a-fandom, I can't find them. Dammit.

+2) Don't get me started on the gleeblor.

myveryown_nemesis

Good Afternoon, you Beautiful People!

I am agitated. Not to the point of being jangly, just perturbed. I set up a virtual appointment with a nutritionist/RD for my husband for today at 2:00, and she hasn't acknowledged my text or email. I tried to call, but she doesn't take voicemails when she is on the line. The meeting is supposed to be happening now, and if she doesn't reach out while I'm writing this, I will probably send a "sorry, but this doesn't work for me" message and find a new nutritionist/RD. I am perturbed, but not volatile, and I know my next step, so I'm not jangly about it.

In addition to the appointment, which may not be happening, I need to visit John's surgeon's office to obtain the necessary order for his X-rays. Tomorrow, he has an appointment with his primary, and then we'll head over to get X-rays done (I'm pretty sure you don't need an appointment for X-rays, but I can call and verify that today).

Other than being perturbed and managing John's appointments, I'm clearing all of the messes around the house that didn't get cleared out on Monday. And I'm analyzing my spending, and realizing that I have no funds left for incidentals for the rest of this month, since I am putting myself on a cash/debit budget. It's kinda annoying that I already ran out of my fun money for the month, but ya know, that's just the price I need to pay, I guess. I'll survive.

I'm feeling secure in my sobriety, comfortable in my food choices, and grudgingly accepting the spending practices I need to change. All is good.

I hope you find something beautiful in your life today, and as always, thank you for being here.

[Oh. And I accidentally misrepresented myself...I still have $12 and some loose change that are available to me. I mathed wrong the first time.]

myveryown_nemesis

Hello, you Beautiful People!

I am still tired from yesterday...but such is the way of an introvert at a party--even if it's a party the introvert throws. ;~)

My husband is doing better, but still has a lot of challenges. He had his second home PT visit, and I gotta say that his doctor picked a MUCH better company this time around! He is doing steps now (half flight only -- we have a split-entry home, so that's easy to do), and has a special cane for the job. Also, his thinking has started to clear up. The PT wants us to talk to his surgeon and primary care regarding his pain medications, as he said that their combined dosage is quite high, but one of them says "as needed." He wants John to be using those "as needed" drugs to his best advantage, without overuse.

My oldest daughter and her fiancé left this morning. After taking her fiancé's mother to the airport, they headed down to Charlottesville for a photoshoot with their photographers, who are college friends of my daughter. My younger daughter and I watched Cinderella's Castle, a StarKid musical production, on YouTube, and my husband watched with us. He had a hard time following the story, but that's understandable given his current situation. Our son (the youngest of our adult children) just got back home from driving our younger daughter to her place. I still need to curb the garbage, along with some bulk pick-up items. Once I'm done with that, I think I will watch a movie. I'm trying to decide between spooky and whimsical. I just know that I don't want anything too "real life."

I'm feeling strong in my sobriety, and think I may have pushed the boundaries on mindful eating a bit these past two days. I will make sensible food decisions a goal for tomorrow. My thoughts and feelings regarding my spending habits are ambivalent.

I hope you found some beautiful in your day, and as always, thank you for being here.

myveryown_nemesis

Good Afternoon, you Beautiful People!

Today has mostly been about paperwork, and most of that is about my husband's surgery and other medical appointments. We will be having an appointment with a registered dietitian and nutritionist regarding ways he can improve his diet regarding his diabetes diagnosis. Since my last A1C check indicated that I was prediabetic, the meeting will benefit me as well, but this is mostly about the RD/N educating my husband. I have hit the prediabetic zone before, and was able to drop my numbers back into a healthy range. On Thursday, we both have appointments: I see my therapist via Zoom in the morning, and he sees his primary care in the afternoon. We need to acquire his imaging orders so that we can get his X-rays done in time for his post-op with his surgeon next week.

All of this is making me tired. Thankfully, fatigue isn't a trigger for me. Well, maybe it is with food, but since I'm being hyper aware after the multiple indulgences over the weekend, I'm not worried about it.

I'm feeling strong in my sobriety, and I feel that I have successfully acknowledged my boundaries regarding food decisions. I'd still put my financial awareness in the ambivalent zone. I have to check and see if I have any bills due this week that need my attention today, but I'd rather take care of the bulk of that tomorrow. The medical documentation I was doing earlier took me a lot longer than I thought it would.

I hope you are all feeling well and that you have allowed yourself to find some beauty in your life. It's always there, you know...we just sometimes hide it from ourselves.

As always, thank you for being here.

myveryown_nemesis

I apologize for missing the check-in yesterday; it was a very busy day. My husband had home PT yesterday morning, and after that, he tanked. I mean, really tanked. Now that he is COMPLETELY nerve blocker free, he is like a baby. I don't mean that in a derogatory way; I mean that he is physically discombobulated with the pain, and because of that, he doesn't trust his own strength. Now that he is on the home pain meds, it seems like the combination leaves him both a bit woozy and unable to think clearly. So I really need to be patient with him and accept him where he is, but it's hard.

I did an AA Zoom meeting yesterday morning, but I had to leave several times to help my husband with things, and ultimately, I left early.

When I woke up yesterday, I woke up from a drinking dream (my first from my new sober date? I don't remember). It was strange. I had to go to work, which was a blend of the after-school program I ran and my work at the church. I had bought a big ass bottle of alcohol; I think it was vodka, but the bottle did have any labels. I kept trying to steal a swig, but would accidentally grab my water bottle instead. And any time I had the liquor bottle in my hand, someone from work would need me, and I would put it down. So I never drank in this "drinking" dream. It was odd. My husband's dream was stranger, though. He dreamt that we were working in a field, and his job was to eat stalks of corn, and mine was to eat a tree. I did not eat the tree correctly, and so I was fined. Neither one of us knew what the heck we were doing. So he wins the weird dream contest!

If my husband isn't more lucid when he wakes from his afternoon nap, I need to consider taking him to the ER. We still have the bridal shower my daughter and I are hosting, and he may need more care than I can give him.

During his first nap, I mowed the lawn, and during his current nap, I rearranged our bedroom so that we can fit an easy chair in there for him. My son will have to bring the chair up for me when he gets off work.

Fingers crossed that my husband wakes up a little bit more like himself. I don't expect him to be able to take care of himself, but it's been a busy and rough day.

I am going to check in on him, then take a shower. I might order dinner, because I do not feel like cooking.

I'm feeling okay in my sobriety--I called some AA friends earlier when I was feeling jangly...not a full-on urge, but jangly is the first step to twitchy, which is followed by twitchity, which ends in being ill-equipped to deal with urges. I'm feeling less jangly now. I'm feeling confident in my food choices, and I'm holding on to not really thinking about the spending choices right now because there isn't much I can do except not spend like a crazy person. I will, however, purchase the items I need for the bridal party, and I'm fine with ordering in food if I am emotionally and physically exhausted.

I hope you all had good days. I'll try not to skip days in the future (but make no promises on that), and as always, thank you for being here.

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estaratshirai

April 2017

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Page generated Jun. 18th, 2025 11:20 pm

Reading

eob sounds like an abbreviation for something dirty

FAPA blues

i'll babble more tomorrow

y'all are still beautiful

still hate cancer; it really sucks

i have a lot of sad right now

Five Things Make a Post, TTRPG edition

agitated, but not jangly. just perturbed

deciding between spooky and whimsical

fatigue and medical forms and whatnot

yesterday and today were a lot

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April 2017

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