estaratshirai

myveryown_nemesis

submergence

In any murky situation

take the time for exploration:

Is there enough water for you to float?

In the deep, Nix pulls you under

in the shallows, you fade and wonder:

Will you escape the tale of dread you wrote?

2025.07.12

myveryown_nemesis

Good Afternoon, you Beautiful People!

Today is mostly a lazy day. I struggled with my poem today...it was based on the question: "Do you have enough water to float in?" But as poems often do, it wandered to some other place. I am not convinced that I like it, but that's okay. The challenge is to write a poem most days. Nothing says the poems have to be good!

I went to my FtF AA meeting today, and was pleasantly surprised to see my friend S there. I knew she had another important endeavor, which was going to take her out of state today, so I didn't expect that she would have the time to come to the meeting. It was a sweet surprise. The theme of the meeting was supposed to be about gratitude, but it naturally moved to the topic of grieving. One of the participants shared about learning how someone dear to them had just died, most likely due to substance abuse or alcohol -- the cause of death won't be determined until the toxicology reports are complete -- the victim was found deceased in their vehicle on the side of the road. As the shares continued, the meeting came back around to gratitude. It was a complex meeting.

I'm feeling secure in my sobriety and eating habits. Most of my focus is on my spending habits, and it feels good to take action against the reckless spending that has been part of my adult life. I just wish I had started sooner, with the recovery mindset I'm using. It's giving me more focus than some of my past attempts at curbing my spending.

I hope you find something beautiful in your day, and as always, thank you for being here.

myveryown_nemesis

perdition

I am the open

book that you slammed shut

and put on a shelf

that I cannot reach

in the back of the

closet of cast-offs.

2025.07.11

myveryown_nemesis

Good Morning, you Beautiful People!

Today is about cleaning the house, doing the laundry, and doing self-inventory work. I also want to go through my costume jewelry collection (some of it is crap and needs to be tossed, some is possibly of monetary value without personal attachment, and some of it I'm quite attached to. Anything that falls in that middle category is going to be packaged up and then sent to a place that will send you a check for the value that their appraisers determine. Will this appraisal be accurate? Probably not...but my brain is not built for using an Etsy seller's account, pricing my goods, dealing with postage...yada, yada, yada. So that's a price I'm willing to pay, and a check I can deposit is worth more than I jewelry I no longer wear (some of it hand-me-down, most of it purchased in second-hand stores, including Etsy shops). Oh, and I will probably be closing my Etsy account, since that's one of the places I've spent an exorbitant amount of money over the years. Or maybe I'll keep it for Christmas Shopping, and just remove my bookmark for it. I dunno. I'll have to think about it.

I expect my husband to provide some friction against the spending habits I'm changing, and the system I'm using to manage those habits. He is sending signals that I'm talking about money and budgeting too much, and I think I'm stressing him out. I need to watch my step there, because he is still in recovery from a major surgery and on medications that affect his cognitive function. However, I also know that he is deep in the habit of reaching for a credit card to buy whatever he thinks he "needs" at the moment. I want to respect the first part of the situation, but be ready to *gently* challenge the latter. I think I've been focusing too much on the gentle *challenge* aspect, as the last time I prattled on about how I'm planning on organizing my spending money, he said that I was lecturing again. I thought I was just keeping him in the loop, but I guess my prattling was a bit didactic. I need to watch that.

I'm feeling strong in my sobriety, comfortable with my new eating habits, and determined to create a system that encourages mindful spending instead of leaving the door open for reckless spending.

I hope you find something beautiful in your day, and as always, thank you for being here.

myveryown_nemesis

And here is my revision of an earlier poem...I've played with this one several time, but this is where it lands (no pun intended). I didn't include the earlier dates, because there were just too many for a poem so concise.

trifle

In my anger,

you become paper.

I crumple you;

throw you,

Nonchalant,

I watch

as you land,

at the foot of the stairs.

2025.07.10

elf

I'd forgotten how much I love https://theyfightcrime.org.

He's a lonely skateboarding shaman with a winning smile and a way with the ladies. She's a bloodthirsty wisecracking wrestler who hides her beauty behind a pair of thick-framed spectacles. They fight crime!

He's an unconventional soccer-playing grifter in a wheelchair. She's an orphaned foul-mouthed socialite from out of town. They fight crime!

He's an oversexed ninja werewolf fleeing from a secret government programme. She's an enchanted snooty advertising executive with a knack for trouble. They fight crime!

( something-something fic prompts )

myveryown_nemesis

Good Morning, you Beautiful People!

Today's plan includes yardwork, and it's going to be nasty outside, so I think I'm going to break the job down into bits based on what is needed most:

Weed the front foundation garden. It's scary.
Trim around the garden and mailbox.
Mow the front lawn
Clear the weeds around the fence in the backyard.
Mow the back yard

I give myself permission to halt the work at any time if it is getting to be physically too much for me.

I continue to feel secure in my sobriety, eating habits, and new spending habits. But I'm also feeling crazy sleepy in the mornings. I think I might need to nudge my napping practice a little bit earlier, and go to bed a little bit earlier. Maybe by a half and hour or so.

I hope the Universe surprises you with something beautiful today, and as always, thank you for being here.

myveryown_nemesis

untitled

My mouth tastes like teeth

dried in the sun

on a sandy beach

detached from the sea.

My hands feel like suede,

soft, worn, and flawed

cast off like old gloves

forgotten and free.

I am blind, deaf, and mute

to the world that surrounds,

yet filled with perceptions

of the Life that abounds.

2025.07.10

The original plan was to revise two older poems today, but for some reason, the phrase "my mouth tastes like teeth dried in the sun" kept rolling through my brain this morning.

My brain is indeed a strange place.

I'll post a revision of an older poem later today.

myveryown_nemesis

Good Morning, my Beautiful Friends!

Well, I didn't really accomplish anything yesterday. I was dragging in the morning, so I decided to just putter around a bit and move the serious cleaning to the afternoon. Welp. That wasn't the best idea...or maybe it was? I played with my planners (one for finance, one for life in general, and one that fits in my purse for grocery shopping and errands) for a bit, had lunch, started to have tummy troubles (as my mother would say), took a nap, played with my planners and stickers a bit more, contemplated dinner, didn't eat dinner, then went to bed early. I didn't get any continuous sleep until after midnight, though, because I kept getting woken up by really strong gas pains and gaseous emissions. Sorry if that was TMI.

I'm feeling a bit better today. I had a comfort breakfast -- egg and toast, banana, and tea -- and my body seems to be fine with that. I'll deal with lunch and dinner when it's time for lunch and dinner, but I think whatever was twisting my digestive tract into knots has passed through my system. I never felt the malaise of being ill, so I guess it was something I ate, but I can't figure out what. Oh well. Sometimes bodies are mysterious.

Today I need to pay a few bills and take my husband to get his imaging done. Other than that, I'm going to be lazy, I think.

I feel comfortable in my sobriety, eating choices, and new spending habits. I am not high energy today, but I don't feel as tired as yesterday. All will be well.

I hope you find something beautiful in your day, and as always, thank you for being here!

myveryown_nemesis

pieces of us

Pieces of you swirl on a universal tide

and coalesce to form

smaller bits like you

that are no more

independent than I

Pieces of you and a part of me

scatter through the Universe that you are

-- never lost, and sometimes found.

Part of me and pieces of you

live in my heart, for good or for ill,

as long as we believe in us.

Pieces of me swirl on a universal tide

and coalesce to form

another version of me

who finds freedom

in being part of You.

2025.07.08

myveryown_nemesis

On today's docket:

9 am Therapist appointment
Power Hour Plus cleaning
Rehang curtains?

Really, that's it. I thought it was a longer list than that. My husband may want to get his imaging done, but if not, I'm going to work on my Handbook this afternoon.

I might end up dropping the ball on that email I wanted to send to the insurance company. I'm starting to feel like it's not going to matter anyway, and I don't even have anything drafted yet. It's more like a puddle of thoughts and a sense of injustice. But it seems like everything in the outside world is unjust right now, so does saying anything even matter? Am I better off sticking to my own hula hoop in this matter, now that the passion is starting to drain away? I guess that's a conversation to have with my therapist.

How am I feeling? I'm feeling tired today. I had a good night's sleep and woke up naturally, but part of me just wants to crawl back into bed. My sobriety, new eating habits, and new spending habits aren't at risk. But I just feel tired across the board. Tired like I want to sleep, not tired like I want to give up, or feel emotionally depleted. I will definitely be taking a nap today, the earlier the better.

I hope you find something surprisingly beautiful in your day, and as always, thank you for being here.

myveryown_nemesis

I tend to jot notes in the back of puzzle books. Sometimes, it's a reminder to check out a movie or book mentioned in a podcast. Other times, it's advice I've heard, a line of poetry, or a sudden realization about my life or the world around me. They are little bits and usually find their home before I'm done with the puzzles, and the book itself is ready for recycling.

But every now and again, there is something I want to remember, and yet has no home. So I am going to keep them here. Some may end up in other journal entries, but for those bits and bobs that remain housed on paper destined for immediate deposit to the recycle bin, I'll start keeping this mini journal within a journal.

And so it begins....

myveryown_nemesis

Good Morning, you Beautiful People!

Today is a nice blend of scheduled tasks and free time: my husband has an appointment with his pain management specialist this morning, then I will be picking up the groceries and running a few other errands. I have a couple of medical bills to take care of, and need to set up another patient portal for another doctor's office. I think I have three doctors who use the same patient portal programming, but you can't link them together, so I need to create a new user for each doctor. It's mildly annoying, but nothing to get angsty about.

I continue to feel strong in my sobriety, comfortable in my food choices, and accepting of the change in financial decisions. I didn't budget in the medical bills (they arrived on Saturday), so I'm contemplating transferring money from savings to take care of them. I'll discuss it with my husband first, but I don't want to put them on the credit card.

I hope you find something beautiful in your day, and as always, thank you for being here.

myveryown_nemesis

beast and amazon

In shadow,

you are Beast

and I am Amazon.

Together, we see

those who have stumbled

yet did not Fall.

No longer bound to heaven

nor grounded by the earth.

We watch them

dance in the shade,

skitter and weave,

leaves in soft breeze.

In shadow

you are Beast

and I am Amazon

2025.07.06/11.17.2009/04.15.09

myveryown_nemesis

Good Evening, my Beautiful Friends!

Sunday has been very Sunday. I had a short list, because I did a lot of planning yesterday. I walked the dog before it got too hot, put away all of the clean laundry that was still lying around in piles (the items were folded -- I did everything but put them in their proper places), placed the grocery order, and fiddled with the July budget a bit more. I forgot to curb the yard waste, but the bin isn't full, so it will just have to wait until next week -- I'm already in my jammies and have taken a shower, so I don't want to go back out into the humidity.

I'm feeling strong in my sobriety, satisfied with my eating habits, and encouraged by the steps I've taken to correct my spending habits.

As long as I focus on my hoop, life is good. When I think much beyond my hoop, the world overwhelms. So I'm sticking to my own hoop. It just makes sense.

I hope you had a beautiful day, and as always, thank you for being here.

myveryown_nemesis

I wasn't feeling particularly energetic, creative, or patriotic for July 4, so I reposted this poem from an angsty 17-yea-old-Me for the #APoemADay project:

america

In America

we are proud

as only we

can be

Our

beautiful

country

is falling apart

God, do

you still

love me?

Purple mountain

majesty

fields of

amber grain

smog cloud

covers

my sky

feel the burn

of acid rain

We trample

out the

forests

of our land

liberty

we talk

of dying

rivers

from sea to

shining

sea.

1982

myveryown_nemesis

Good Morning, you Beautiful People!

It is Saturday, and it is officially a Lazy Day for me. Instead of going to my Face-to-Face meeting today, I went to my AA Zoom meeting, because there was going to be a Group Conscience meeting after. If you aren't familiar with AA, that's basically an administrative meeting. One of the subjects on the table was whether or not the group wanted to encourage profile pictures that are actual photos of the members, and what, if anything, should be done to encourage people to keep their cameras on. I felt pretty strongly about this, so I thought it best to share my opinion. While I usually do the meetings with the camera on and I love to see the faces of my AA buddies, I'm very much against the idea that one should feel forced to keep the camera on. One of the reasons why that particular group works so well is because it has always been pretty chill about that. Also, while I don't use it here, my profile picture there is my Stick-Figure-Me icon, which I use ALL OVER the internet. My account here is different, because I accidentally got stuck with a random name I was given (it happened when I was logging in through Google, and somewhere along the way I accidentally accepted it as permament...just so you know, Real_Park would mean absolute zilch to me, if it weren't how you folks know me). I wasn't sure if I was going to stay around at first, so I picked Harry from Sesame Street because I think he just doesn't get enough love.

Back to my point -- with AA, people should get to be anonymous. And online anonymity is fragile. Let people who are reaching out feel safe. As they get comfortable, they can start sharing more, and then, maybe one day, they will just start sharing and never know when to shut up. [Some of my AA shares are similar to my SMART Recovery Check-ins...I just start freeform rambling in the middle of things, because I also see AA and SMART as places where I don't have to mask my ADHD.] I wouldn't feel secure enough to be me if I felt obligated to leave my camera on, just as I am accustomed to my icons, both Stick-Figure-Me...and now, Harry -- he's really grown on me.

I originally wanted to also go to my AA Face-to-Face meeting, because a friend is celebrating their 7-month anniversary, but I am out of social energy. So I'll send her a text later today.

I am feeling strong in my sobriety, comfortable in my eating habits, and working with those new spending habits. I also feel lazy and look forward to taking a nap in about an hour.

I hope you find some sort of beautiful surprise today (it can be as small as a buttercup, or as majestic as a hawk flying above you), and as always, thank you for being here.

myveryown_nemesis

Good Morning, my Beautiful Friends!

After I post this, I'm going to start attacking the lawn. The grass is very thick and rather tall, so this process will most likely be start and go. Usually, I like to start in the front, with the bits that all of the neighbors can see, but this time I will need to start in the back, where things have gotten particularly messy. I'm not saying that the front yard isn't messy -- it is. It just isn't particularly messy when compared to the back yard.

After mowing and a shower, I should do laundry. But that might wait until tomorrow, because I definitely stayed up later than I should have last night. That decision will need to be put on hold.

I continue to feel strong in my sobriety, secure in my eating habits, and optimistic about changing my spending habits. I may feel tired right now, but I also feel that life is good. I am happy.

I hope you find something beautiful in your day, have a safe way of coping with the big kabooms of the fireworks**, and as always, thank you for being here.

**Our dog is terrified of them. We have learned that in Ted's case, the thundershirt doesn't help that much, so we usually just let him hide in the laundry room. The big show that the town puts on has a beginning and an end. We can cope with that. It's the lingering booms that continue through the night, since home fireworks are legal where I live. I loved fireworks as a kid, but now I kinda hate them.

myveryown_nemesis

disguises

These are the things

we hide in our closets,

the things that we stash

in wads in our pockets.

Yet wonder why

as time flutters by

nobody knows who we are.

2025.07.02/2024.12.17

myveryown_nemesis

Good Morning, you Beautiful People!

In my "master plan" of time management (okay, it's not a master plan at all...it's trying to figure out what days usually work best for which household tasks that need to be done weekly and monthly -- daily stuff is pretty easy for me, for the most part), Thursday is usually yardwork day. But tomorrow looks like better weather for it, so I'm going to do my "Power Hour" of cleaning and will probably rehang the curtains which have been waiting to be rehung: one is set too low, and another two high, and I also want to be sure that the hardware is properly anchored because I want to double up on the light blocking panels in the front of the house to try to keep cooling costs under control. Believe it or not, that last sentence isn't technically a run-on, due to my use of punctuation, but I sure did do some running with it, huh?

I'm feeling strong in my sobriety, secure in my eating habits, and accepting my new spending habits. Life is good.

I think I'm going to start writing that letter to Pacific Life today. I want to take my time with it, but I also don't want to let its importance fade away. ADHD brains are pretty good at letting topics of passion fade into topics of interest, which then fade into topics that used to be interesting. I don't want to do that.

I hope you find a pocketful of beauty in an unexpected place, and as always, thank you for being here

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estaratshirai

April 2017

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Page generated Jul. 13th, 2025 12:52 pm

Reading

submergence

nothing says the poems have to be good

perdition

my didactic prattling

trile

They Fight Crime!

i give myself permission to halt

poem looking for a title

wasn't the best idea...or maybe it was...

pieces of us

dropping the ball and taking a nap

every now and again

mildly annoying, but nothing to get angsty about.

beast and amazon

a very sunday sunday

america

harry from sesame street just doesn't get enough love

It just isn't particularly messy

disguises

believe it or not, that sentence isn't technically a run-on

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April 2017

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