estaratshirai | Reading

Good Morning, you Beautiful People!

Today is mostly about errands and driving my husband to doctor's appointments. I didn't buy fizzy drinks for myself last week, and the cost doesn't quite fit into the grocery budget this week. BUT...I also have a personal spending budget. I guess I'm officially an old sober lady because I really missed my ginger ale by the end of the week!

During my downtime, I need to review my SMART Handbook. I haven't done that in a while, and my overindulgence with the pizza is an example of the results of that. While uncomfortable (because of the lactose, primarily, but the fattiness of the pepperoni didn't help any), that slip in judgment has small ripples at this point. It's making me more aware and reminding me that I can't afford to have slips when it comes to alcohol. 2024 taught me that slips slide into relapse.

I'm feeling strong in my sobriety, and I feel like I'm learning from my mistakes. It's a good place to be. I did have a wonky dream that was definitely sobriety-based, but its narrative is not conducive to sharing here. I might attack it in my personal journal. Or I might just let it go. Or maybe use it as poetry fodder. I'm not sure right now.

I hope you find something beautiful in your day, and as always, thank you for being here!

myveryown_nemesis

Good Morning, you Beautiful People!

It's now Sunday morning, and as soon as my digestive tract is willing (I'm guessing in half an hour or so), I will drag the yard waste from yesterday's weeding to the curb, then mow the lawn. I've done most of the weekly planning (still have to set up the grocery list), and my husband and I plan to see The Naked Gun at an early showing.

He is also having tummy troubles -- when he is feeling a bit better, I'm going to ask if he thinks he has joined the lactose-intolerant crew or if the pizza had too many jalapeños.

I'm feeling strong in my sobriety, alcohol and spending urges are inconsequential, and last night's poor decision is serving as a reminder for why playing the tape forward is a good thing!

I hope that you find something beautiful today, and as always, thank you for being here!

myveryown_nemesis

another ghost story

There is no one here,

as someone else's tears

run down my face.

Someone stands over my shoulder

cloaked in shadows spun from webs.

No one hovers in solemn silence.

Tears attempt to defend,

but there is no defense against

that which is hollow.

The shallow offering soothes no one--

an empty hope of happiness

a symbolic smile.

I stand awestruck

in the face of an emotion

that I do not feel.

2025.08.02/1984.

And if you are interested, here is the 1984 version:

another ghost story

There is no one here right now
And there’s something alien and wet
running down my face.

There’s someone standing
Over my shoulder

Wearing a hooded cloak.
No one hovers.
An ominous presence.

Tears attempt to defend
But there is no defense against
the Void.

Void.
An empty hope of happiness
A symbolic smile.

My jaw drops in awe
of the emotion
that I do not feel.

--1984

myveryown_nemesis

Hello, my Beautiful Friends!

It is not morning, but neither am I a day late, so this will definitely suffice!

It was an interesting Saturday. I had to drop off my car to get the tire sensors fixed, so that meant no noon AA meeting. I quite like that meeting, it just has a good vibe. So I drop off the car, then walk home (the dealership is about a mile walk from our house), have a breakfast of sausage and cornmeal muffins, then do some yard work -- mostly pulling weeds from the fence in the backyard, because those things grow like, well, they grow like weeds! There's a reason why that cliché lives on! [I just purposely typed cliché wrong so that Grammarly would correct it for me because I didn't feel like looking for the appropriate accent mark.]

Then I walked the mile to the dealership because my car was ready. I should have showered after picking up in the car instead of before. While the weather was glorious today, it was just warm enough to work up a bit of a sweat on the walk. Oh, well! It was a clean sweat, not a grody sweat, if you know what I mean!

My husband and I went out to lunch at a local sandwich place, then came home to watch a bunch of PBS. He started watching PBS on Saturdays and Sundays as comfort watching just before their Federal funding was pulled. We already support our local PBS and NPR stations, and I would much rather give them more money and watch more PBS than spend more money on subscriptions for yet another streaming service. I took two short accidental naps, and he took a long one. Our dog took an extended Saturday afternoon nap, as well.

We ordered in pizza for dinner, and I am still awake because I overindulged. I didn't binge eat, or anything like that -- I just ate too much cheese for my body to be happy right now. So I guess I could be thankful that I'm still up to write this?? Not my preference for keeping myself awake; it was foolish. I should have played the tape forward when I decided on having seconds. I know that too much mozzarella triggers my lactose intolerance. Once the reflux stage of my reaction to lactose is calmed down a bit (I took an OTC antacid to assist), I should be able to sleep okay. And then in the morning, we'll see how poorly my lower digestive tract is feeling.

That was probably TMI, sorry about that, but I'm leaving it in, since I also use these check-ins as a sort of sobriety journal.

I'm feeling strong in sobriety regarding alcohol, have clearly made a poor decision regarding eating, and am feeling strong about my awareness of my spending.

I hope you found something beautiful in your day, and as always, thank you for being here!

myveryown_nemesis

sorrow

I am weary

afraid of unearthed grief

that waits for its release.

I want to rest

--to touch upon a peace

lost within this void of

bereft conformity.

2025.08.01/1980

I found the poem below written in 1980 (age 15) and decided to play with it a bit. Does one play with vacuums of sorrow?

vacuum

I am weary
afraid of what I might find
I want rest
-- touch upon
peace -- I cannot find in this
vacuum of experience.

1980

myveryown_nemesis

Good Morning, my Beautiful Friends!

Yesterday was a good day...but that's easy to do when you planned to have a day of rest, right? ;~) My doctor's appointment went well, and now I need to schedule my regular annual screenings: mammography and lung scan (two of my sisters have lung cancer; I insisted that we start screening my lungs last year).

Today, the primary focus is laundry, and the secondary focus is finding the recipes I use regularly, putting them all on 4x6 cards, and then placing them in a small page-protected mini photo album to survive my sloppy cooking in the kitchen. It's not a lot of recipes, so maybe it's a one-day project? I'm not sure about that, but I'd like to get it started.

I have been neglecting my poetry project, which is a shame, since I had two poems pop into my head yesterday, and I didn't take a moment to write them down. They are no longer in my head, nor on paper, so who knows when or if they might return. While I'm not going to try to play catch-up, I need to make writing poetry a priority. It's good for me. And some of the poetry is good. And some of it isn't, but that's okay, too.

I'm feeling sleepy (took a late, accidental nap yesterday, which janked up my sleep cycle), but that doesn't seem to be having an effect on the positive way I feel about my sobriety. Life is good, I can take a nap if I want to, and I won't drink alcohol, eat haphazardly, or spend recklessly today.

I hope you find something beautiful in your day (even if it's cloudy and rainy like it is here), and as always, thank you for being here.

myveryown_nemesis

Good Morning, you Beautiful People!

Today was scheduled to be yardwork day, but nope. Just nope. While the air temperature outside is in the 80s, the heat index is currently in the 90s, and will most likely be in the 100s by the time I would finish mowing. Nope, nope, nope. I don't take the heat well. So the yardwork will be pushed to Saturday, and today will be a "do whatever I want day"... which is what I usually do on Saturdays! I do have a doctor's appointment in the afternoon, but I have a notification set up on my phone (which includes time to get there) so I don't have to worry about forgetting it. I also have some paperwork to look through for new life insurance that our financial advisor sent. I spoke with his assistant yesterday, and now that I opened my mouth about my history with alcohol use disorder, there were more questions about that. Honestly, if the new policy through our advisor doesn't go through smoothly, I'm going to just get life insurance through AARP. They use New York Life and don't require a physical.

Anyway...today should be a chill day, despite the excessive heat (I love air conditioning!). I'm feeling secure in all three branches of my sobriety (drinking, eating, spending). I like it when life doesn't feel overwhelming -- it makes all the decisions easier and mindful.

I hope you find something beautiful today, and as always, thank you for being here.

myveryown_nemesis

Good Afternoon, you Beautiful People!

The August budget is set, accounts payable are paid or scheduled to be paid, and we will still have a few bucks for fun stuff. AND...if the life insurance cash out happens fast enough, not only will we have the funds to clear all of the debt, but we will also have another chunk of change from the premium that won't need to be paid. But knowing how bureaucracies work, I don't expect things to happen that quickly. I will be quite pleased if they do, though...it is within the realm of possibility!

Today has been a good day. I had a therapy session this morning and took my husband to his PT session, but mostly, I hammered out a budget. Most of the budget was accounts payable this round, but that tide is preparing to turn, and I am ready for it.

I feel strong in all three branches of my sobriety, and it is a good feeling. It's still work, but it's not the type of work that wears me down -- it's more of an earnest thing, rather than work done grudgingly. It's the type of work that "makes my brain tired," but not because of worry -- I'm figuring things out and working on being a better version of me than I have been. It's the type of tired that ends with a good night's sleep, instead of taking inventory of every wrong I've committed from the age of 5 (that one involved the swing set in the playground at school, and he DID ask to be pushed...I just pushed a little too hard, a little too soon, and it was sort of accidentally on purpose). I like that I seldom have insomnia anymore.

I hope that you found something beautiful in your day (for me, air conditioning has been a truly beautiful thing!), and as always, thank you for being here!

myveryown_nemesis

Good Afternoon, my Beautiful Friends!

Remember that trip down the rabbit hole that wasn't so bad yesterday? Well...it sort of morphed into a trip through a wormhole. I'm still stuck in the groove of getting all of the organizational ideas in my head formed into actual plans, instead of acting on anything. Today was supposed to be about cleaning. And yeah, I did do a little cleaning, but not a whole lot. And then after not doing a lot of cleaning and spending too much time trying to fix things which didn't need fixing (like taking a used bin for dishwasher pods and covering it with contact paper -- much more difficult than you'd expect, due to the moderate taper of the container), I took a nap, and then also got caught up in a series that my husband was watching.

I have about an hour and a half before I need to start dinner (dinner is going to be a "nearly no-cook meal" due to the heat), and I can't decide if I should finish the cleaning, or just do a solid hour working on the card system, and leave the cleaning until Friday. While realizing that might not be my best option, I'm leaning towards the latter because I'm more interested in getting my desk back to a functional space than I am in having a clean house.

This is primarily my ADHD brain, but I think you might be able to see how it ties into my AUD brain -- I do some strange thinking sometimes.

Anyway...I'm feeling fine with the pillars of my sobriety, and I'm hoping my ADHD brain is willing to release the reins soon. At least I prioritized checking in!

I hope you find something beautiful in your day, and as always, thank you for being here.

myveryown_nemesis

Good Evening, you Beautiful People!

Yesterday's planning got a little weird -- I fell into a bit of a rabbit hole. I started reading Sidetracked Home Executives via the Internet Archive, and decided that I want to go back to using a card system. It won't replace my current planner, which is serving me well, but the card system will serve as a record of the things that don't happen weekly. I'm good with daily, okay with weekly, but things that need to happen monthly, seasonally, semi-annually, or annually? I suck at remembering that stuff - even when I have a notification on my phone (which does help, but sometimes I'll decide it's okay to push it off until later).

So I went to Staples and picked up some index cards and a few other office needs, and I've been playing with the system most of the day. I completed my errands (grocery shopping and picking up the dog supplies), and I took my husband to his PT appointment (I went to Staples when he was at PT), so it's not the sort of negative hyperfocus that interferes with my life. I see this as creating a resource -- I can rely heavily on the card system when I need to, or I can place the basket of index cards on a shelf in the closet, and they can wait for me until I need them.

I may have mentioned this before, but I tend to get twitchy with my systems and change things up a bit, quarterly or so. Sometimes it's a rash thing, other times it's a tweak, to make sure things are working for me, and yet other times it's because I've grown bored with how the system works. I guess it was time for my quarterly shift in systems. This time, however, I am going to keep the cards on the shelf until the next time I want them, instead of tossing them and starting all over again (which I've done with S.H.E. card system, the Flylady routines, and Sandra Felton's "Flipper" system, which is a slightly different take on the card system).

I'm feeling at ease with my three branches of sobriety, in a good way. I think that the "everything is right in the world bubble" is deflating a bit, but it is a normal thing, not a depressing one. Everything in my immediate world feels comfortable, and I like that, since I can't do anything about the craziness that is outside of my hula hoop.

I hope you found something beautiful in your day, and as always, thank you for being here.

myveryown_nemesis

Good Morning, you beautiful people!

Yesterday was indeed a restful day. Today is planning day, and I have some new ideas that I want to try out for my on-the-go planner. I also want to do a mock-up for the first couple of poems that I want to put in my personal chapbook. Overall, things are going to be pretty chill.

I'm feeling comfortable in all three branches (alcohol, food, spending) of my sobriety, and I'm still vibing with that life is good feeling.

I hope you find something beautiful in your day, and thank you, as always, for being here.

myveryown_nemesis

I know I've been neglecting #APoemADay, and I don't have the creative energy to play catch up, so I am now changing my personal challenge to #APoemNearlyEveryDay. It just seems more accurate. Today's poem is from past-Me, and I believe I've shared it before. I have decided that it needs to be the first poem in my own little chapbook that I'm making for myself:

accuracy

Words, like emotions

melt the ice of

the polar regions

if you say them at the

right time of day.

Tell me to go home and I will.

1984

myveryown_nemesis

Good Morning, you Beautiful People!

Guess who forgot to check in yesterday?

So, let's sum up Thursday and Friday:

1. I mowed the lawn and did some weeding and trimming in the back yard

2. I removed the easy chair from our bedroom since my husband is no longer using it

3. I finally rehung the curtains in our bedroom

4. I thoroughly deodorized and vacuumed our bedroom rug (Ted is shedding -- SO. MUCH. DOG. HAIR!!!)

5. I thoroughly cleaned the vacuum (including removing one part that maybe I shouldn't have, but I could see the dust through the clear casing...it went back together again, so that's good!)

6. I took Ted to the vet for doggie day care and a bath (he REALLY needed that bath!)

7. I took my car to the carwash to have it cleaned inside and out (it also smelled like Ted!)

8. I took John to his PT appointment

9. I completed all the laundry chores (well, I have a basket of clean, folded clothes on the guest room bed, ready to be delivered to their proper places)

10. I went to an AA meeting that I wasn't planning on attending.

And the things I didn't do:

1. Check in here

2. Pay the medical bills

3. Update my spending log

4. Write any poetry (I did, however, write about how I'm planning on managing the poems that I've scattered here, there, and everywhere).

Today? That's mostly about being restful. And going to my regular in-person AA meeting.

I'm feeling strong in all three branches of my sobriety (alcohol, food, spending). It's been a good week. It's been a while since I feel like I've been able to say it was a good week. I like being able to say that.

I hope you find something beautiful in your day, and as always, thank you for being here!

elf

Last night, bluesky exploded with the discovery that itch.io has delisted/shadowbanned pretty much all its "adult" games - they don't show up in a search anymore, even if you have the 'show me adult content' turned on, even if you are the game's creator.

They are still listed on the creator's pages; they are still in the bundles they've been in, and the "search title/author/tag" on the bundle pages still works.

Some games have been removed entirely - with a claim that they violate the TOS and therefore the creators can't receive payment, so itch will be just keeping their money thankyouverymuch.

After a mad scramble to figure out "what's going on and why," Itch mentioned payment processor issues on its Discord (which is going wild with drama; it does NOT have enough moderators for this), and eventually released a statement:

We have “deindexed” all adult NSFW content from our browse and search pages. We understand this action is sudden and disruptive, and we are truly sorry for the frustration and confusion caused by this change.

Recently, we came under scrutiny from our payment processors regarding the nature of some content hosted on itch.io. Due to a game titled No Mercy, which was temporarily available on itch.io before being banned back in April, the organization Collective Shout launched a campaign against Steam and itch.io, directing concerns to our payment processors about the nature of certain content found on both platforms.

Itch instantly caved to their "Warriors for Innocence."

( Specific game info )

myveryown_nemesis

Good Morning, you Beautiful People!

Just a quick check-in before it gets too hot to mow the lawn...

Yesterday was a better-than-good day. Yeah, I thought that I screwed up the medical bills, but that was a flash in the pan. Lines of communication are opening up between me and my husband, and the ball is rolling to get that life insurance payout to eliminate the credit card debt and start developing a functional emergency fund and slush fund. I'm also still loving the idea that my sobriety involves braiding together 3 different abstinence practices. It just feels right -- vibing in the "life is good" bandwidth.

I feel in sync with my abstinence practices and like I'm growing in my sobriety. The world might be crazy, but life is beautiful.

I hope you find some beauty in your day, and as always, thank you for being here.

myveryown_nemesis

Good Afternoon, my Beautiful Friends!

You know that feeling when it feels like all of a sudden you know how to juggle and there aren't any balls crashing down on your head, and then the next second you remember that you DON'T know how to juggle, so you bop yourself in the head with a ball or two?

Yeah, that feeling.

I was having that "ducks all lined in a row feeling", and I sat down to review the medical bills. I thought that everything was caught up, but I might have a few bills that had missed copays.

Nope.

BUT -- the balls that dropped were squishy ones. I took a deep breath, logged into my insurance account, and matched up bills to EOBs, and guess what? The $2,530-something the bills add up to is MUCH higher than EOBs say I owe (under $250). So now I have to choose between calling the billing offices or just paying what my insurance company says I owe instead of what the providers claim I owe. I also received a bill from one of my providers via text. Nope. I'm not paying that. I will call their billing office and ask for my itemized bill. In the mail. Yes, it's old school, but it makes it so much easier to verify against the insurance company statements.

So just a few annoying squishy balls -- I thought at first that I had totally screwed something up, but I didn't. It's just that the medical providers' billing practices are not on the same timeline as my insurance company's coverage payments. Yeah, it looks like there were a few missed copays on my part, but most of what we owe (according to the EOBs) are things that the copay doesn't cover, and we weren't immediately billed. My involvement in this billing avalanche is almost non-existent.

My husband and I are communicating much better, and I had a great therapy session this morning. I have decided that my sobriety has three legs: the abstinence from alcohol, the abstinence from disorganized eating, and the abstinence from relying on credit. It's three things that I'm refraining from, but it's one sobriety...a sober life. And that's a good thing.

I hope you found something beautiful today, and if you were juggling, I hope you were juggling nerf balls, not bowling balls. And as always, thank you for being here!

myveryown_nemesis

Just to let you all know...

I probably will only be doing new poems every other day or so, because I finally figured out how I want to manage my multitudes of journals.

I'm planning on setting up a spreadsheet where I can track things like where I've shared the poems, what themes I'm visiting with the poems, and maybe how long it's taken for each poem to "bake" before I felt satisfied with it.

Then, I plan to print the ones that I particularly like, perhaps embellish them, and keep them in a disc-bound notebook for future perusal.

[And I don't really have multitudes of journals. I just jot stuff down and post stuff here and there, so everything is always scattered. ADHD for the win!]

And here's a poem that goes back to the very beginning of the #APoemADay challenge I gave myself back in December...

lost

behind best laid plans

it's tucked within intentions

never to be found

2024.12.13

myveryown_nemesis

Good Morning, you Beautiful People!

I had an almost-fight with my husband last night. It's about communication again, and how his meds affect the way he interprets what's going on. As someone who has been there before, I can see that he is seeing himself as a victim. And there are some very real reasons for him to feel that way, but now I am experiencing what it is like to be cast as the villain, when in reality, I just don't know what the hell he is thinking. This adds to the pile of "things I'd like to discuss with him, but I can't have a conversation with him when the meds are affecting him this way." It's a challenging pile.

Today's AA meeting was from the Emotional Sobriety book. The chapter was titled "The Work at Hand," about working with what is in front of us now, and doing the best we can at that work. Right now, I am working two jobs: 1) live a sober life (that includes refraining from drinking alcohol and making reckless decisions about food and money), and 2) provide the care and support that my husband needs. I need to take care of #1 to manage #2. The sober life part is going rather well; knowing how to best support and care for my husband, however, is hard. He has told me that he thinks I don't trust him, and to be brutally honest, my trust in his decision-making ability is weakened by his thought patterns when he is under the effect of his medications. It's a conundrum. I need to learn more about how to be a better partner for him, because my instincts aren't serving me (or him) well.

I'm feeling secure in my sobriety (in terms of drink, food, and money). Life is challenging right now, and I just need to figure out how to best move forward with the work ahead of me in order to support and care for my husband to the level he needs and deserves.

I hope you find something beautiful in your life today, and as always, thank you for being here.

myveryown_nemesis

I went to my AA meeting this morning in person, and I'm glad I made that decision. The reading wasn't particularly resonant for me, but the sidetrack it sent me on was deeply touching. In the reading, a woman who had nearly destroyed her body with alcohol was lucky enough to get a liver transplant in time to save her life. This made me think of my friend Gina, who has been on my mind quite a bit lately.

Gina died of liver disease. To my knowledge, she was never a heavy drinker; catastrophic health issues can happen to anyone.

Gina passed away in June 2015 on a Wednesday. My father passed away that same week on Friday, but I didn't learn about it until Saturday morning. My sisters waited a day to tell me, as my daughter graduated from high school on Friday night, and they wanted me to have those sweet memories before sharing the news. I'm glad that they did that.

The last time I spoke with Gina was on Monday of that week. She was in the hospital and knew she didn't have much time left. She was calling all of her friends for one last word. One of the things she said to me was that we were fools for never meeting face-to-face (our friendship started in the early 2000s in a forum), and the other was that I should remember that everything is easier when you do it with friends.

Gina is right. Everything is easier with friends.

Thank you, friends, for being here.